I read this and wanted to think about my response and then it got put aside. Friendship is such a deep subject. It can fill us up or tear us down sometimes. I have a friendship than span 65 years and although we don't see each other often we share a deep connection that can never be broken. Despite what happens around us. I have let go of friendships and I have tried to revive some friendships but it didn't work. But it is work and it is a two way street and sometimes we all just get busy living life. But I know for me the pandemic made me push hard to stay connected. Then I used the word connect last year to up the ante to actually seeing people in person. And somewhere in all that are the OL versus IRL friendships and how they work. Which is a different kettle of fish -- and leads to the story that you were just getting into your car the other day as I was getting out of mine at Sue's (did you hear how fast their house sold?) and I almost called out to you. But then I thought she's probably going to pick up kids or something and I don't really know her ... see the line? Does one every really met up with an ON friend IRL and not feel awkward. Bernie.
I read your comment when you posted it, but I was travelling with the kids. I love your thoughts and the care you took to write them. Next time, do say hello. While I was probably picking up kids or racing somewhere, I still have time to smile and say hi and thanks for reading. I can't believe that the house sold so swiftly--we're going to miss them. They've been amazing neighbours. And I love hearing from you!
Ah thanks Alice. I can't imagine I will be in the neighbourhood occasionally though as I love D'Lish and a friend lives on University so we often walk over so you never know. Bernie
I read your words yesterday. But I couldn’t respond because I could feel the need to have this sit with me.
I recently let go a friend who I found leant in for advice, to share gruelling situations, and gather strategy for work/writing with. But I recognised this person always disappeared when great things happened for me. I love celebrating wins for friends so this felt out of whack. The other clue was that sharing finds in life from potential business through best pit spray for tweens was not reciprocated. An imbalance of sorts hung about.
I’ve been learning about what friendship means now which is different than how it was in the past. It’s fun!
I found your piece refreshing and triggered loads of thoughts I’m still digesting. Meantime, hugs to you.
I’ve been thinking about what you wrote. One of my friends mentioned that I forgot about the people who come back—the friendships that pause and then light back up. Friends who celebrate when great things happen for you seem vital. It’s hard to let go, sometimes, but then not as hard afterward.
My mother set an admirable example for me of the importance of staying connected to friends, so I have done the same. She raised her children thousands of miles from where she was raised, and I raised mine thousands farther still, and letter writing was a regular feature for us both--telephone calls were far too costly. Making new friendships when far away from family has been a necessary life skill. But of course I am not still in touch with every friend, so there is great wisdom in knowing when to let go, and when to accept that a friend needs to let go of me. So grateful for this essay, Alice!
Thank you for this. I nearly wrote all about the huge pile of pretty cards I found when I was tidying my desk. Over 100 cards and yet I’m not sure I’ve mailed a letter in five years. I think it may be time. Xoxox
This was such a timely read, Alice. I've always been a 1-2 friends plus my lover kind of person, that's all I really wanted or could seem to handle at once. Now, I'm in a phase where my life, my values, my way of being in the world has shifted so drastically, that my beloved is really the only person I call a friend lately.
It is a very liminal space to be in, on the cusp of being in a new realm where I will be teaching and around people - perhaps, hopefully, people more on my wavelength. But not quite there yet. This piece helped me find some breath around this uncertainty. Thank you ❤️
You feel this, too. I’ve been thinking about portals and liminal spaces and this age—I mean the number of my own age (45) and the era (post pandemic, pre ???) Thank you for taking time to write here. It has me thinking xoxox
This elicits so many thoughts, some memories and where I/we are with friends now. Many have come into our lives and for many reasons, proximity being one, they are no longer there. Others are still here after 30-40 years at least by phone, email and yes a letter now and then. Shared walks, shared books, shared lives. A few of our adult kids are excellent friends for and with us - honest to a fault. I have a few friends II can call anytime and vice-versa. Just had a note from one who will call next week, anytime. With some who I don’t see for
along time, we can pick up right where we left off. That is always a glad surprise. I’m thinking a friend who knows my faults and foibles and still loves me anyway is one of life’s treasures.
I agree: life has these treasures but sometimes I don’t notice and sometimes it’s too late. I do love what you’re saying here, thanks. I’ve been nostalgic all week thinking about friendships from the past. Xox
I have a friend, about to finish up year 83, who is inviting and gathering a group of her friends, some years old, some newer, to join her on her birthday later this month via Zoom from all over the world. I can't be there due to a previous family commitment but I think it is a brilliant and inspiring idea. I might consider something similar for my 87th birthday as I like giving gifts to myself. I wrote a book for my 80th birthday called, "Pearls From An Irritated Mind" that I gave to my large extended family and a few close friends. Life's treasures, some buried, some dug up. Others to be discovered!
What a lovely title. And a lovely birthday idea. We do a weekly Zoom call with my family in Canada, the UK and Switzerland, and it’s a wonderful touch point ❤️
I can relate to what you’ve described here about friendships. I have one childhood friend to whom I remain close even though we rarely see one another in person. I have felt the sadness of a friendship ending, and the joy of reconnecting a few decades later, and entering into a much deeper, more fulfilling relationship with that same friend. Being at a different stage of life, feeling more comfortable with myself, makes a huge difference, I find. I agree that everything has its seasons. Knowing what season you’re in is sometimes challenging, though! And sometimes, you just have to be your own best friend 😊. I’m glad you got that call when you needed it, too. ❤️
Thank you so much, Kiyomi. Even as I was writing and rewriting this, I thought a lot about what phase I'm in, where I can make more time, where I need to pull back so I have room to nourish and cherish the people I love.
I read this and wanted to think about my response and then it got put aside. Friendship is such a deep subject. It can fill us up or tear us down sometimes. I have a friendship than span 65 years and although we don't see each other often we share a deep connection that can never be broken. Despite what happens around us. I have let go of friendships and I have tried to revive some friendships but it didn't work. But it is work and it is a two way street and sometimes we all just get busy living life. But I know for me the pandemic made me push hard to stay connected. Then I used the word connect last year to up the ante to actually seeing people in person. And somewhere in all that are the OL versus IRL friendships and how they work. Which is a different kettle of fish -- and leads to the story that you were just getting into your car the other day as I was getting out of mine at Sue's (did you hear how fast their house sold?) and I almost called out to you. But then I thought she's probably going to pick up kids or something and I don't really know her ... see the line? Does one every really met up with an ON friend IRL and not feel awkward. Bernie.
I read your comment when you posted it, but I was travelling with the kids. I love your thoughts and the care you took to write them. Next time, do say hello. While I was probably picking up kids or racing somewhere, I still have time to smile and say hi and thanks for reading. I can't believe that the house sold so swiftly--we're going to miss them. They've been amazing neighbours. And I love hearing from you!
Alice
xo
Ah thanks Alice. I can't imagine I will be in the neighbourhood occasionally though as I love D'Lish and a friend lives on University so we often walk over so you never know. Bernie
We LOVE D’Lish and the Little Free Library…
I read your words yesterday. But I couldn’t respond because I could feel the need to have this sit with me.
I recently let go a friend who I found leant in for advice, to share gruelling situations, and gather strategy for work/writing with. But I recognised this person always disappeared when great things happened for me. I love celebrating wins for friends so this felt out of whack. The other clue was that sharing finds in life from potential business through best pit spray for tweens was not reciprocated. An imbalance of sorts hung about.
I’ve been learning about what friendship means now which is different than how it was in the past. It’s fun!
I found your piece refreshing and triggered loads of thoughts I’m still digesting. Meantime, hugs to you.
I’ve been thinking about what you wrote. One of my friends mentioned that I forgot about the people who come back—the friendships that pause and then light back up. Friends who celebrate when great things happen for you seem vital. It’s hard to let go, sometimes, but then not as hard afterward.
Thanks for writing to me here ❤️
My mother set an admirable example for me of the importance of staying connected to friends, so I have done the same. She raised her children thousands of miles from where she was raised, and I raised mine thousands farther still, and letter writing was a regular feature for us both--telephone calls were far too costly. Making new friendships when far away from family has been a necessary life skill. But of course I am not still in touch with every friend, so there is great wisdom in knowing when to let go, and when to accept that a friend needs to let go of me. So grateful for this essay, Alice!
Thank you for this. I nearly wrote all about the huge pile of pretty cards I found when I was tidying my desk. Over 100 cards and yet I’m not sure I’ve mailed a letter in five years. I think it may be time. Xoxox
This was such a timely read, Alice. I've always been a 1-2 friends plus my lover kind of person, that's all I really wanted or could seem to handle at once. Now, I'm in a phase where my life, my values, my way of being in the world has shifted so drastically, that my beloved is really the only person I call a friend lately.
It is a very liminal space to be in, on the cusp of being in a new realm where I will be teaching and around people - perhaps, hopefully, people more on my wavelength. But not quite there yet. This piece helped me find some breath around this uncertainty. Thank you ❤️
xx Faye
You feel this, too. I’ve been thinking about portals and liminal spaces and this age—I mean the number of my own age (45) and the era (post pandemic, pre ???) Thank you for taking time to write here. It has me thinking xoxox
This elicits so many thoughts, some memories and where I/we are with friends now. Many have come into our lives and for many reasons, proximity being one, they are no longer there. Others are still here after 30-40 years at least by phone, email and yes a letter now and then. Shared walks, shared books, shared lives. A few of our adult kids are excellent friends for and with us - honest to a fault. I have a few friends II can call anytime and vice-versa. Just had a note from one who will call next week, anytime. With some who I don’t see for
along time, we can pick up right where we left off. That is always a glad surprise. I’m thinking a friend who knows my faults and foibles and still loves me anyway is one of life’s treasures.
I agree: life has these treasures but sometimes I don’t notice and sometimes it’s too late. I do love what you’re saying here, thanks. I’ve been nostalgic all week thinking about friendships from the past. Xox
I have a friend, about to finish up year 83, who is inviting and gathering a group of her friends, some years old, some newer, to join her on her birthday later this month via Zoom from all over the world. I can't be there due to a previous family commitment but I think it is a brilliant and inspiring idea. I might consider something similar for my 87th birthday as I like giving gifts to myself. I wrote a book for my 80th birthday called, "Pearls From An Irritated Mind" that I gave to my large extended family and a few close friends. Life's treasures, some buried, some dug up. Others to be discovered!
What a lovely title. And a lovely birthday idea. We do a weekly Zoom call with my family in Canada, the UK and Switzerland, and it’s a wonderful touch point ❤️
I can relate to what you’ve described here about friendships. I have one childhood friend to whom I remain close even though we rarely see one another in person. I have felt the sadness of a friendship ending, and the joy of reconnecting a few decades later, and entering into a much deeper, more fulfilling relationship with that same friend. Being at a different stage of life, feeling more comfortable with myself, makes a huge difference, I find. I agree that everything has its seasons. Knowing what season you’re in is sometimes challenging, though! And sometimes, you just have to be your own best friend 😊. I’m glad you got that call when you needed it, too. ❤️
Sending hugs XOXO
Thank you so much, Kiyomi. Even as I was writing and rewriting this, I thought a lot about what phase I'm in, where I can make more time, where I need to pull back so I have room to nourish and cherish the people I love.