This was such a timely post for me to read today as this week has our family celebrated the life and loss of one of the "big ones." My mom's oldest brother passed recently and it made me take a look at my mother and wonder if she has her affairs in order. As an only child, of course I'll be the one.
It felt pretty awkward when she said that we should get to a seminar together so I can learn about what needs to happen.
On the other side of the coin, having lost my son who was 28, I certainly got a taste for what it was like to try wrapping up someones life when they pass prematurely. Out of your entire list here the one that stood out most to me was PASSWORDS! That may seem trivial bit trust me, it's not if you're the one who needs them.
Thanks, Kristi, for your thoughtful comments--and condolences on the losses your family have faced. We've been having hard conversations at home as so much was left messy on one side of the family, we're trying not to repeat that.
It's no joke, right??!! When my son died I felt LUCKY to have known all his banking info and email passwords, etc because I know that probate is a b**ch to navigate.
My mom is still alive but she has a huge sheet of passwords written out for everything under the sun 😆 That alone will be a task all to itself.
Hello Kristi. I was touched by your post and for sharing your losses. The loss of a child is especially difficult and having to consider how they would their image on social media to be managed is an area I'm exploring now as a Grief Doula. Thanks for raising it here.
After someone you love dies, you want to touch the things they've touched or hear things about them you didn't know before. After my brother died, I would've loved to have had anything written from him to me. So, I sat down one day and penned a letter to the people I loved the most. It was just a couple of paragraphs stating how much they mean to me and complementing them on personal qualities like their integrity, kindness, compassion, etc. I put it with my will and I hope they will find comfort in my words when I'm gone.
Kate, this is beautiful!!! And your people will cherish them for sure.
I was so thankful that my son and I wrote paper letters to each other for years. We also sent whatsapp voice notes daily. So now I can still hold his letters and hear his voice.
Oh, I love this so much. That's such a beautiful gift for those people and I'm sure they will find comfort, even a little joy. My condolences on the loss of your brother. It's beautiful that it inspired you to write so that your loved ones have something from you.
This is a practice I've written about before and it is so cathartic. I've written my own obituary for one of my thanatology classes and got a 92% on it. I was kinda insulted and asked my teacher ... what does a gal have to do to get 100% on her own obituary? Everyone laughed!
Hahaha. What was the 8% improvement you could have made ;-)))) I'm interested in what a thanatology class is. I will be spending more time on your space on here--thanks, Dina.
Thana ... what? I didn't know what it meant before doing this work. I think we could geek out together on all things death and loss. I received my Certificate in Thanatology last year and it's one of the things I'm most proud of ... would love to stay connected.
This is such a good idea. Books, to me, keep giving and I would so love to have a book from my grandmother. She used to sneak me Mills & Boon and I bet it would be one of those to read under the covers...
I truly believe that reflecting on death allows us to live more fully. These conversations build awareness and gratitude for life. This type of specific reflection is useful and the thoughtful written responses will be valuable to all who are left behind. Thanks for sharing.
During covid, I wrote a long letter to my husband expressing my love, providing detailed plans for the funeral, what to do with my stuff, and how I hope he continues to live without me - and where to find my list of passwords. It's saved on the computer and printed out in my nightstand. When I told him I did that, he thought I was being dramatic. As people around us die without warning, he has realized the gift that it is.
It sounds like a careful and generous gift, but I can understand why people sometimes don't realise that. I appreciate your insight here, because I agree that it does allow us to live more fully when we look at what's coming. I've found as I've approached life more like this, I'm more centered and present. Thanks, Katie, for sharing this.
So true Alice. It's an interesting vocation this grief work. People don't really understand when I share that it brings me joy supporting the bereaved and the broken-hearted. I believe once we've walked through the fire of grief, we come out changed. And if allow the experience to move us, we can show up differently. At least that has been my experience.
That's so interesting to read because I've really found it to be true and I'm only just starting. I notice that it's easier for me to put my ego to one side in this work--in my case learning how to be a funeral celebrant, and then I fill with what the other person needs. What they are going through is so much bigger it's simple for me to listen and be present. I love what you say about the 'fire of grief' and that really resonates. Thank you, Dina.
HI Katie. This is such a wonderful practice. I'm a Grief Doula so I need to walk the talk so to speak. I told my husband I have a Dina's Death Diary for him to read should I die suddenly and in it are my password, my advance care directives, my funeral wishes, what I want done with my body, and other cool (ha ha) things I want him to know should this happen. We all need to have this in place. Otherwise, it is even more difficult on the deceased's family.
Right, it's a true gift to those left behind to not have to argue about what the person would want or worry they are doing the "wrong" thing. It's a kindness to your loved ones.
What I've seen is that different people have different memories of what the wishes are: "he said this to me." That's been very difficult for our family to navigate in a positive and cohesive way. Thanks, Katie.
Got a Will and a living will, in which all my wishes regarding kids, pets, assets, etc.. are stated. I’ve told all my loved ones I wish to be cremated (also stated in Will) and where they put/scatter me is totally up to them! Just reminded them to double check the wind direction first 🤣
Thank you. I'm glad it was useful. As I was writing it, I realised I need to take more time with my own answers. The malleability of this is important, I think.
This was such a timely post for me to read today as this week has our family celebrated the life and loss of one of the "big ones." My mom's oldest brother passed recently and it made me take a look at my mother and wonder if she has her affairs in order. As an only child, of course I'll be the one.
It felt pretty awkward when she said that we should get to a seminar together so I can learn about what needs to happen.
On the other side of the coin, having lost my son who was 28, I certainly got a taste for what it was like to try wrapping up someones life when they pass prematurely. Out of your entire list here the one that stood out most to me was PASSWORDS! That may seem trivial bit trust me, it's not if you're the one who needs them.
Beautiful post and prompt.
Thanks, Kristi, for your thoughtful comments--and condolences on the losses your family have faced. We've been having hard conversations at home as so much was left messy on one side of the family, we're trying not to repeat that.
Hi Kristi, I had to laugh, it's been three years since my husband died and I still struggle with his password system.
It's no joke, right??!! When my son died I felt LUCKY to have known all his banking info and email passwords, etc because I know that probate is a b**ch to navigate.
My mom is still alive but she has a huge sheet of passwords written out for everything under the sun 😆 That alone will be a task all to itself.
I think we have to keep updating that list--I'm always having to update passwords and it's a mess!
It's true!!!
Passwords! I can barely manage mine. I spent an hour trying to get into something I can always get into just the other day.
My condolences on the loss of your husband.
Xox
Hello Kristi. I was touched by your post and for sharing your losses. The loss of a child is especially difficult and having to consider how they would their image on social media to be managed is an area I'm exploring now as a Grief Doula. Thanks for raising it here.
After someone you love dies, you want to touch the things they've touched or hear things about them you didn't know before. After my brother died, I would've loved to have had anything written from him to me. So, I sat down one day and penned a letter to the people I loved the most. It was just a couple of paragraphs stating how much they mean to me and complementing them on personal qualities like their integrity, kindness, compassion, etc. I put it with my will and I hope they will find comfort in my words when I'm gone.
Kate, this is beautiful!!! And your people will cherish them for sure.
I was so thankful that my son and I wrote paper letters to each other for years. We also sent whatsapp voice notes daily. So now I can still hold his letters and hear his voice.
I went to a paper shop today and said, "I think I have enough cards." And they said, "No such thing."
xox
I love this!
Oh, I love this so much. That's such a beautiful gift for those people and I'm sure they will find comfort, even a little joy. My condolences on the loss of your brother. It's beautiful that it inspired you to write so that your loved ones have something from you.
This is a practice I've written about before and it is so cathartic. I've written my own obituary for one of my thanatology classes and got a 92% on it. I was kinda insulted and asked my teacher ... what does a gal have to do to get 100% on her own obituary? Everyone laughed!
Hahaha. What was the 8% improvement you could have made ;-)))) I'm interested in what a thanatology class is. I will be spending more time on your space on here--thanks, Dina.
Thana ... what? I didn't know what it meant before doing this work. I think we could geek out together on all things death and loss. I received my Certificate in Thanatology last year and it's one of the things I'm most proud of ... would love to stay connected.
That’s funny. How much better could you do on your own obituary?????? :)
Right? I mean, really? I use it when I speak in public and everyone always gets a kick out of.
I’m going to try to get 100% if I take the class, but I bet there would be room for improvement ;-))))
Books. I would write a list of people who will get books matched to their ppersonality. And those that I want to be donated.
This is such a good idea. Books, to me, keep giving and I would so love to have a book from my grandmother. She used to sneak me Mills & Boon and I bet it would be one of those to read under the covers...
I love that gift idea. What a beautiful gesture Shanjitha.
Thanks, Dina.
I truly believe that reflecting on death allows us to live more fully. These conversations build awareness and gratitude for life. This type of specific reflection is useful and the thoughtful written responses will be valuable to all who are left behind. Thanks for sharing.
During covid, I wrote a long letter to my husband expressing my love, providing detailed plans for the funeral, what to do with my stuff, and how I hope he continues to live without me - and where to find my list of passwords. It's saved on the computer and printed out in my nightstand. When I told him I did that, he thought I was being dramatic. As people around us die without warning, he has realized the gift that it is.
It sounds like a careful and generous gift, but I can understand why people sometimes don't realise that. I appreciate your insight here, because I agree that it does allow us to live more fully when we look at what's coming. I've found as I've approached life more like this, I'm more centered and present. Thanks, Katie, for sharing this.
xox
So true Alice. It's an interesting vocation this grief work. People don't really understand when I share that it brings me joy supporting the bereaved and the broken-hearted. I believe once we've walked through the fire of grief, we come out changed. And if allow the experience to move us, we can show up differently. At least that has been my experience.
That's so interesting to read because I've really found it to be true and I'm only just starting. I notice that it's easier for me to put my ego to one side in this work--in my case learning how to be a funeral celebrant, and then I fill with what the other person needs. What they are going through is so much bigger it's simple for me to listen and be present. I love what you say about the 'fire of grief' and that really resonates. Thank you, Dina.
xox
HI Katie. This is such a wonderful practice. I'm a Grief Doula so I need to walk the talk so to speak. I told my husband I have a Dina's Death Diary for him to read should I die suddenly and in it are my password, my advance care directives, my funeral wishes, what I want done with my body, and other cool (ha ha) things I want him to know should this happen. We all need to have this in place. Otherwise, it is even more difficult on the deceased's family.
Right, it's a true gift to those left behind to not have to argue about what the person would want or worry they are doing the "wrong" thing. It's a kindness to your loved ones.
What I've seen is that different people have different memories of what the wishes are: "he said this to me." That's been very difficult for our family to navigate in a positive and cohesive way. Thanks, Katie.
I like the Death Diary phrasing. I agree we all need to have this in place, and it's so easy to send it further down the to-do list. Thank you again.
Got a Will and a living will, in which all my wishes regarding kids, pets, assets, etc.. are stated. I’ve told all my loved ones I wish to be cremated (also stated in Will) and where they put/scatter me is totally up to them! Just reminded them to double check the wind direction first 🤣
Love this! Firstly, that you've been so thoughtful. And secondly, that you have humour and grace in this work. Thank you for making me smile!
Thanks Alice, great stuff here.
Thank you, Donna. I appreciate you taking time to comment xoxo
A useful post - thank you
Thank you. I'm glad it was useful. As I was writing it, I realised I need to take more time with my own answers. The malleability of this is important, I think.