Aww Alice, I had to step away after reading this. You have such a gentle-truth-saying in your words that speaks to the heart-sink and ache.
When they can't recognise their things I've seen people become frustrated and more sad. You're all holding her memories...and perhaps you can make up new stories...of being given these clothes and how the lady who owned them must have been....stylish, elegant..
Creating a new reality, context...THIS 'The gift isn’t the box. It isn’t the clothes, which, it turns out, she has already lost. It’s the time in the moment unpacking before she loses her smile. It’s the laugh when she see the racy underwear that I’ve now thrown away.' is exactly it!
Less what and more how, and all about quality of time... A soft, poignant glimpse into what can be eggshell-sharp, fraught times Thank you.
I love that--'the lady who owned them must have been stylish, elegant'. What a beautiful way to build stories and stronger moments of connection. Thank you, Victoria, as ever. Eggshell sharp, so true.
I think you have a beautiful advantage over many people, in that your gift is creating stories. So you could create and help her and your family- these stories with her old photos can be a gift in that moment, but also a tangible book!?!.
You're absolutely right that she'll be conscious of losing memories. 3rd person stories about herself (true or imagined) help ;-)
Thank you, Autumn. This is a lovely message for me to receive as I’m juggling kids and pausing after parking the car on my way to one son’s soccer. I really appreciate this ❤️
This is both beautiful and crushing. Possibly the best title of a Substack piece I've seen yet, and what heartfelt, heart-wrenching, and ultimately such loving scenes from a decline. I saw my mom and dad through dementia, and have been writing about all of this quite a bit lately. Reading a piece like this sure makes me feel less alone in having gone through similar.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I know all too well how hard this is. You're absolutely right about the gifts. 🙏
Thank you, Rob. This is a really generous comment. I have plans for pieces I'm going to write, and then these things happen, and the week becomes the writing of something different. It feels like an echo of what caregiving is. My condolences on your losses of your parents. I plan to make my way to your writing--thank you.
Oh Alice your words are as beautiful as they are painful. I've seen this up front close and personal twice and it's a difficult path for certain. The moments become farther and farther apart and yet hope never dies that they will know you for just that moment. HUGS. Bernie
She came here to leave us. That line will stay with me for a long time. My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and it was painful watching his memories deteriorate… thank you for this.
This is so beautiful and sad. Your patience and love comes through your writing . She’s lucky to have you but then maybe she’s responsible since she evidently raised you well. You do hold the memories just a little earlier than most of us do.
Thank you, Lynda. This is a lovely comment. My patience isn’t always there, but raising my son with ADHD has gifted me more than I used to have. She’s my husband’s mother so perhaps his patience has rubbed off on me, too. You’ve got me thinking about that quality and how hard sought it has been for me ❤️
You capture the fragility of our lives and time together with such a gentle, insightful touch. What a poignant space in your family’s life, and also strikingly beautiful.
Aging loved ones and preparing to say goodbye is heart-shattering, and also a privilege, I feel. Only because there is so much love can we bear to have our hearts broken from loss.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this touching piece, Alice.
Thank you, Maria, for sharing your comments. I agree it's a privilege and 'heart-shattering' is an evocative and true way to describe that. What you say about love and loss is what we're feeling at this end.
Thank you. I'm looking forward to spending more time in her space on here--time has been a bit hard to get a hold of but I know I'm going to learn a lot, which I love. Thanks for this!
I wish you many more beautiful memories in the coming weeks, months, years. We are at the end stage now with my MIL and it is beyond painful. Almost too much to bear witness to. Dementia in all its various forms is a hideous thief.
I am so sorry, Kim, that the journey is so hard now. It's one of the parts of this illness I sense: knowing that worse is to come. Our family walks with yours.
Aww Alice, I had to step away after reading this. You have such a gentle-truth-saying in your words that speaks to the heart-sink and ache.
When they can't recognise their things I've seen people become frustrated and more sad. You're all holding her memories...and perhaps you can make up new stories...of being given these clothes and how the lady who owned them must have been....stylish, elegant..
Creating a new reality, context...THIS 'The gift isn’t the box. It isn’t the clothes, which, it turns out, she has already lost. It’s the time in the moment unpacking before she loses her smile. It’s the laugh when she see the racy underwear that I’ve now thrown away.' is exactly it!
Less what and more how, and all about quality of time... A soft, poignant glimpse into what can be eggshell-sharp, fraught times Thank you.
Thanks for the shout-out too! xo
I love that--'the lady who owned them must have been stylish, elegant'. What a beautiful way to build stories and stronger moments of connection. Thank you, Victoria, as ever. Eggshell sharp, so true.
I think you have a beautiful advantage over many people, in that your gift is creating stories. So you could create and help her and your family- these stories with her old photos can be a gift in that moment, but also a tangible book!?!.
You're absolutely right that she'll be conscious of losing memories. 3rd person stories about herself (true or imagined) help ;-)
take care of yourself, xo
Wow. What an incredibly tender, poignant and touching essay. The last paragraph made me weep 🤍
Thank you, Autumn. This is a lovely message for me to receive as I’m juggling kids and pausing after parking the car on my way to one son’s soccer. I really appreciate this ❤️
This is both beautiful and crushing. Possibly the best title of a Substack piece I've seen yet, and what heartfelt, heart-wrenching, and ultimately such loving scenes from a decline. I saw my mom and dad through dementia, and have been writing about all of this quite a bit lately. Reading a piece like this sure makes me feel less alone in having gone through similar.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I know all too well how hard this is. You're absolutely right about the gifts. 🙏
Thank you, Rob. This is a really generous comment. I have plans for pieces I'm going to write, and then these things happen, and the week becomes the writing of something different. It feels like an echo of what caregiving is. My condolences on your losses of your parents. I plan to make my way to your writing--thank you.
Oh Alice your words are as beautiful as they are painful. I've seen this up front close and personal twice and it's a difficult path for certain. The moments become farther and farther apart and yet hope never dies that they will know you for just that moment. HUGS. Bernie
Thank you, Bernie. I always love to hear from you and I appreciate you sharing your journey. It seems many people are walking this path with us ❤️🌸
This is such a beautiful post, Alice.
Thank you, Keris. Finding time window to write in has been challenging but it’s so good to connect and share through this xoxo
She came here to leave us. That line will stay with me for a long time. My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and it was painful watching his memories deteriorate… thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing and taking time here with me. This journey is filled with memories, even as she loses hers, which I know you’ll understand ❤️🌸
This is so beautiful and sad. Your patience and love comes through your writing . She’s lucky to have you but then maybe she’s responsible since she evidently raised you well. You do hold the memories just a little earlier than most of us do.
Thank you, Lynda. This is a lovely comment. My patience isn’t always there, but raising my son with ADHD has gifted me more than I used to have. She’s my husband’s mother so perhaps his patience has rubbed off on me, too. You’ve got me thinking about that quality and how hard sought it has been for me ❤️
This is a beautiful gift to us, Alice. A box of life.
Thank you. I just thanked you on notes too. You’re very generous and I love your words here 🌸❤️
A model of concision, Alice ,cresting the emotion of anticipatory grief and the consolations available
Thanks, David. Good to hear from you! I’ve been watching out for you in the cohort!
You capture the fragility of our lives and time together with such a gentle, insightful touch. What a poignant space in your family’s life, and also strikingly beautiful.
Aging loved ones and preparing to say goodbye is heart-shattering, and also a privilege, I feel. Only because there is so much love can we bear to have our hearts broken from loss.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this touching piece, Alice.
Thank you, Maria, for sharing your comments. I agree it's a privilege and 'heart-shattering' is an evocative and true way to describe that. What you say about love and loss is what we're feeling at this end.
xoxox
Thank you Alice. Your piece is a gift, and I have e shred with my siblings, who, like me, are losing our mother.
My condolences on what's happening with your mother--thank you for letting me know that this piece is helpful, Karen.
xoxox
beautiful, sad, bittersweet
Thanks, Cate. She's sitting in the sunshine now and it feels good to have written this.
Oh Alice, thank you for giving me this beautiful moment. What a touching piece. I felt it deeply.
Thank you, Imola. I appreciate you taking time to write this. I feel lucky to hear it.
I’ve read this piece twice Alice, that is how much I was moved by it. What a beautiful relationship you have with your mother in law. Just beautiful.
PS. You won’t regret one ounce of time spent with Dina. She is an extraordinary human very gifted with the work of grief and loss.
Thank you. I'm looking forward to spending more time in her space on here--time has been a bit hard to get a hold of but I know I'm going to learn a lot, which I love. Thanks for this!
I wish you many more beautiful memories in the coming weeks, months, years. We are at the end stage now with my MIL and it is beyond painful. Almost too much to bear witness to. Dementia in all its various forms is a hideous thief.
Thanks for sharing these tiny bright spots.
I am so sorry, Kim, that the journey is so hard now. It's one of the parts of this illness I sense: knowing that worse is to come. Our family walks with yours.
xoxo
Thanks for the mention Alice, so beautifully written 🙏🏻
Thanks so much, Kate. I really enjoy reading your work.
Thanks Alice, I’m grateful to have you reading! 🙏🏻☺️