We found out two years ago that our daughter is ADHD -- she's 34 and a parent of 2. Went thru a wicked depression and a portion of it is ADHD. She believes it comes from me and I have the hyper focus aspect of it. I am not so sure but it sooths her to think it. We definitely see the emotional regulation aspect in our granddaughter and the hyperactivity in the wild child 5 year old grandson. I definitely was not the best parent but I am not certain I caused the neurodiversity with my parenting. I thought it was literally that their brains are wired differently so I refuse to buy into the shame or guilt that writer talks about. Parenting is a huge challenge and having a child that doesn't track as mainstream definitely is hard. I know now and look back at so many things and wish I could have done better for her. Good for you for working to give yourself space and making your entire family life smoother. And for your vulnerability to share it here.
Thank you so much, Bernie, for sharing this with me. I like the word ‘refuse’ in here and I enjoy how intentional you are with your ability to move forward and be on the moment we’re in—I find that looking back at what I could have done differently is a space that doesn’t help me or my son now.
Thank you Alice for sharing. I also have an ADHD son and can so relate to lots of what you shared, even though, as you say, ADHD presents differently in each child. I think that particular point is something that many don't realise. When one has ADHD, they don't fit neatly into an ADHD mould or box! And lastly just want to say, well done for finishing this post! I'm so glad you did! Demanding interruptions can really take up so much time, and suck brain power and flow out of writing!
Thank you so much, Debbie. I've noticed how differently ADHD presents--and even for myself as someone with ADHD, I notice how my symptoms shift and change through the seasons of my life. Even the seasons of the year. Sometimes, I need to drink cups of coffee to stay calm, other times I need to work hard on active recovery just to have the energy I need for my son (and other kids).
Just discovered your writing via a restack and am so glad I did. During my last therapy session when I was going into how judged and isolated I felt with my struggles with my 10 year old son, my therapists said, "you can't talk about your kids anymore with parents who don't get it." Thank you for being one who gets it. And I'll take all the resources you have, especially for the tantrums!
Hey Christine, I hear you and see you. SO many other parents really have no idea. I heard a woman say to her son at the playground yesterday: Stop, now, please.
And he stopped.
And I thought, Oh, if ONLY!
I've found ADHD magazine to be really helpful as a monthly paper arrival that I can dip in and out of. For tantrums and for our family, the advice of Tia Slightham was so helpful. In general, the whole positive parenting model really shifted how I parent--which was a slow and steady shift to a better household for our family. I've also been doing a lot with co-regulation, which works well for me. And I do a daily ten minute meditation (most days) which SLOWLY is helping me take that pause before I react. I was SO reactive for so long and it was almost like my son was the weathervane in my house and my emotions were the weather.
And then a whole lot of grace and forgiveness. Because it's so hard!
Have you read any of the positive parenting work? Is there anything that has helped you?
I do a lot to talk to teachers and frame it as in part their responsibility if things aren't going well in the classroom--and mine--so we can all work together. And I offer counselling and books to my son all the time--although at this time he won't do any of it. He has done some good work with various counsellors in the past and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is what has been most helpful and what I nudge him toward when he next wants to take that opportunity.
This is all so helpful! School (finally) seems to be ok after lots of advocacy, IEPs and changing teachers - but home is a challenge. I will check out these resources ASAP. I think the self-regulation piece is so key and have been trying to focus on that for myself. I've not yet heard of the positive parenting work, but will look into now.
I cannot imagine my kiddo stopping on command. That would never happen in my house! 😂
Right? I wouldn’t stop on command either, to be honest! I hope you have some peaceful days this summer—it’s a hard season for us with the lack of routine, but there are beautiful moments in it, as you know. I hope you get a whole heap of them today 🌺🌺🌺
This must have been a hard piece to craft on so many levels. And it’s beautiful.
Our home focuses on system regulation. When we ‘live low demand’ sensory soothing hours and days we are settled more. The days we cram in too much, ADHD-ers overwhelm one another and we lose it - not me at my best, or my kids.
Oh, I love that. Right now I have two children playing Fart Noises on Google really loudly and I'm realising how much our day-to-day makes it harder ;-) I love the idea of a 'live low demand' soothing hours. That sounds really vital. I've been trying to show my son when I use the Calm app to meditate and give him the sense that he could use something like that, too, if he wants.
And you know now why I haven't filled in your lovely questionnaire! Despite all my intentions.
Beautifully articulated, Alice. Mine is a young adult now, but your words could be mine. When I learnt to regulate my own emotions, hers became calmer, too. I learned to sit. I learned to listen. And I have the best, warmest relationship with my wild, beautiful, intelligent young person. I would not change her for the world. It does not mean the journey has been easy. It does not mean the journey is always easy now. But through her, I see myself. And that is a gift.
Thank you, Cate. I've appreciated everyone who has taken time to reach out to me today. This was a hard essay to write and I'm glad it's connecting. I love those words: wild, beautiful, intelligent young person. xoxox
You are amazing, Alice, that you are able to find the words to describe what is going on for you, and your son. As it's not just about your journey, but his as well.
I stand in awe at how you have found the means to cope with life as thrown at you. And your realisations about yourself.
You are Wonder Woman in so many ways.
Keep writing, as you do it so beautifully.
Thank you for the flowers.
[My grandson is ADHD but not nearly to the extent that your son is. And I agree with what Victoria said in her first paragraph. And with what Kim says.]
You are always SO lovely and I'm so grateful. This was hard to write--especially with all the interruptions ;-) and I'm so thankful you took a moment here with me. xox
Thank you for describing what ADHD in a child is like to live with. In my day, all you’d hear is “he’s hyperactive.” Not particularly helpful. But some of what you describe makes me wonder about one of my grandkids. I want to share this post with my daughter to see if it resonates with her. I certainly recognize your reactions as a parent! I was not patient, or calm. Much better as a grandparent.
Thanks, Kim. Always good to hear from you. And I think ADHD is much more prevalent than people realise--when he got his diagnosis, I was like: oh! Of course! But until a psychologist told us, I really couldn't understand what was happening.
Hi Alice, sitting here and learning with open curiosity and empathy. Thank you for sharing and helping me have a better understanding of ADHD, and parenting your son.
I recently met a new Carer Mentor subscriber Sarah Whisteside, so I think it's Substack synchronicity telling me to connect you both. Quote: ' I have an autistic son who I home educate, so we spend a lot of time together, and I think I might have some things to say about that!'
Thank you, Ruth. I’ve learned a lot about autism over the last few years and have found people who’ve shared their experiences to be so generous. It’s all been really helpful. There seems to be a lot of crossover when it comes to navigating the world with neurodiversity—and then lots of unique challenges too ❤️🌺
We found out two years ago that our daughter is ADHD -- she's 34 and a parent of 2. Went thru a wicked depression and a portion of it is ADHD. She believes it comes from me and I have the hyper focus aspect of it. I am not so sure but it sooths her to think it. We definitely see the emotional regulation aspect in our granddaughter and the hyperactivity in the wild child 5 year old grandson. I definitely was not the best parent but I am not certain I caused the neurodiversity with my parenting. I thought it was literally that their brains are wired differently so I refuse to buy into the shame or guilt that writer talks about. Parenting is a huge challenge and having a child that doesn't track as mainstream definitely is hard. I know now and look back at so many things and wish I could have done better for her. Good for you for working to give yourself space and making your entire family life smoother. And for your vulnerability to share it here.
Thank you so much, Bernie, for sharing this with me. I like the word ‘refuse’ in here and I enjoy how intentional you are with your ability to move forward and be on the moment we’re in—I find that looking back at what I could have done differently is a space that doesn’t help me or my son now.
❤️🌸
Thank you for this piece. I feel heard and seen.
And thank you for taking time to comment here. This is such a generous thing to say ❤️🌻
Thank you Alice for sharing. I also have an ADHD son and can so relate to lots of what you shared, even though, as you say, ADHD presents differently in each child. I think that particular point is something that many don't realise. When one has ADHD, they don't fit neatly into an ADHD mould or box! And lastly just want to say, well done for finishing this post! I'm so glad you did! Demanding interruptions can really take up so much time, and suck brain power and flow out of writing!
Thank you so much, Debbie. I've noticed how differently ADHD presents--and even for myself as someone with ADHD, I notice how my symptoms shift and change through the seasons of my life. Even the seasons of the year. Sometimes, I need to drink cups of coffee to stay calm, other times I need to work hard on active recovery just to have the energy I need for my son (and other kids).
xoxox
Just discovered your writing via a restack and am so glad I did. During my last therapy session when I was going into how judged and isolated I felt with my struggles with my 10 year old son, my therapists said, "you can't talk about your kids anymore with parents who don't get it." Thank you for being one who gets it. And I'll take all the resources you have, especially for the tantrums!
Hey Christine, I hear you and see you. SO many other parents really have no idea. I heard a woman say to her son at the playground yesterday: Stop, now, please.
And he stopped.
And I thought, Oh, if ONLY!
I've found ADHD magazine to be really helpful as a monthly paper arrival that I can dip in and out of. For tantrums and for our family, the advice of Tia Slightham was so helpful. In general, the whole positive parenting model really shifted how I parent--which was a slow and steady shift to a better household for our family. I've also been doing a lot with co-regulation, which works well for me. And I do a daily ten minute meditation (most days) which SLOWLY is helping me take that pause before I react. I was SO reactive for so long and it was almost like my son was the weathervane in my house and my emotions were the weather.
And then a whole lot of grace and forgiveness. Because it's so hard!
Have you read any of the positive parenting work? Is there anything that has helped you?
xoxoxo
Ali
I'd add:
I do a lot to talk to teachers and frame it as in part their responsibility if things aren't going well in the classroom--and mine--so we can all work together. And I offer counselling and books to my son all the time--although at this time he won't do any of it. He has done some good work with various counsellors in the past and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is what has been most helpful and what I nudge him toward when he next wants to take that opportunity.
And often NONE of it makes any difference ;-)))
This is all so helpful! School (finally) seems to be ok after lots of advocacy, IEPs and changing teachers - but home is a challenge. I will check out these resources ASAP. I think the self-regulation piece is so key and have been trying to focus on that for myself. I've not yet heard of the positive parenting work, but will look into now.
I cannot imagine my kiddo stopping on command. That would never happen in my house! 😂
Right? I wouldn’t stop on command either, to be honest! I hope you have some peaceful days this summer—it’s a hard season for us with the lack of routine, but there are beautiful moments in it, as you know. I hope you get a whole heap of them today 🌺🌺🌺
Alice, we may be twins.
This must have been a hard piece to craft on so many levels. And it’s beautiful.
Our home focuses on system regulation. When we ‘live low demand’ sensory soothing hours and days we are settled more. The days we cram in too much, ADHD-ers overwhelm one another and we lose it - not me at my best, or my kids.
Thank you for writing this x
Oh, I love that. Right now I have two children playing Fart Noises on Google really loudly and I'm realising how much our day-to-day makes it harder ;-) I love the idea of a 'live low demand' soothing hours. That sounds really vital. I've been trying to show my son when I use the Calm app to meditate and give him the sense that he could use something like that, too, if he wants.
And you know now why I haven't filled in your lovely questionnaire! Despite all my intentions.
xoxox
Beautifully articulated, Alice. Mine is a young adult now, but your words could be mine. When I learnt to regulate my own emotions, hers became calmer, too. I learned to sit. I learned to listen. And I have the best, warmest relationship with my wild, beautiful, intelligent young person. I would not change her for the world. It does not mean the journey has been easy. It does not mean the journey is always easy now. But through her, I see myself. And that is a gift.
Thank you, Cate. I've appreciated everyone who has taken time to reach out to me today. This was a hard essay to write and I'm glad it's connecting. I love those words: wild, beautiful, intelligent young person. xoxox
Oh wow!
You are amazing, Alice, that you are able to find the words to describe what is going on for you, and your son. As it's not just about your journey, but his as well.
I stand in awe at how you have found the means to cope with life as thrown at you. And your realisations about yourself.
You are Wonder Woman in so many ways.
Keep writing, as you do it so beautifully.
Thank you for the flowers.
[My grandson is ADHD but not nearly to the extent that your son is. And I agree with what Victoria said in her first paragraph. And with what Kim says.]
You are always SO lovely and I'm so grateful. This was hard to write--especially with all the interruptions ;-) and I'm so thankful you took a moment here with me. xox
Thank you for describing what ADHD in a child is like to live with. In my day, all you’d hear is “he’s hyperactive.” Not particularly helpful. But some of what you describe makes me wonder about one of my grandkids. I want to share this post with my daughter to see if it resonates with her. I certainly recognize your reactions as a parent! I was not patient, or calm. Much better as a grandparent.
Thanks, Kim. Always good to hear from you. And I think ADHD is much more prevalent than people realise--when he got his diagnosis, I was like: oh! Of course! But until a psychologist told us, I really couldn't understand what was happening.
Hi Alice, sitting here and learning with open curiosity and empathy. Thank you for sharing and helping me have a better understanding of ADHD, and parenting your son.
I recently met a new Carer Mentor subscriber Sarah Whisteside, so I think it's Substack synchronicity telling me to connect you both. Quote: ' I have an autistic son who I home educate, so we spend a lot of time together, and I think I might have some things to say about that!'
I realise ADHD and Autism are not the same, but the similarities and this synchronicity are a pretty good premise to connect you both...take a look at this: https://forgettingtheself.substack.com/p/let-moss-grow-over-your-mouth
Thank you so much, as ever, Victoria, for your thoughtful connections. I really appreciate this. xoxox
Thank you, Ruth. I’ve learned a lot about autism over the last few years and have found people who’ve shared their experiences to be so generous. It’s all been really helpful. There seems to be a lot of crossover when it comes to navigating the world with neurodiversity—and then lots of unique challenges too ❤️🌺